Tuesday, September 23, 2008

20 Things to Never Say to a Cop

Well, I'm a little bummed right now. I just got a speeding ticket on my way to church. The cop didn't seem too impressed that I was going to a holy place and speeding to get there. This is my first speeding ticket ever. Yes, you read correctly-my first one in 19 years of driving. Ben says serves me right, I've lucked out until now. As I saw the cop whip a big u-turn around in the road to get behind me, I knew I was sunk. I ran through some of the phrases below in my head, but decided I better play nice little soccer mom in the family van. Especially since both boys were with me and I knew they would freak out if the cop slapped handcuffs on me.

20 Things To Never Say To A Cop
1. I hope you realize you're about to ruin a perfect record.
2. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
3. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!
4. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?
5. Didn't I see you get your ass kicked on COPS?
6. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!
7. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
8. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.
9. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
10. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
11. Tell him you like men in uniform.
12. Care for a doughnut?
13. Met your quota? Happy now?
14. Speeding is an abstract concept, don't you think?
15. If I had known you were there, I would never have been going that fast!
16. What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?
17. When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
18. Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
19. Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
20. Yes, officer I saw your flashing lights, but you didn't seem to be catching me, so I assumed you were after someone else.
The boys were curious. "Why did the police officer pull you over?" "Mama was speeding." "Why were you speeding?" "Are you going to jail?"
The police officer was a woman, which I am sure is why she didn't give me a warning. Remember this is my first offense. But she was probably happy to give me my first ticket in front of my wide eyed little boys. "Mama, where did that policeman go?" "Is he going to come back?" "Are we going to be late for church?" I didn't try to explain that the butch police officer was actually a woman because actually it was a little hard to tell. She did knock back my speed from 50 in a 35 to 45.
As we headed on our merry way, the boys made sure I wasn't speeding. "I think you are speeding, Mama." "Well it felt like we were going faster." "Where did that policeman go?"


Mom said...

Bummer you got a ticket, but that's an amazing record to have never gotten one before. Those boys are too funny.

Kev said...

Wow, not so innocent anymore are we, big sis? haha At least you have the boys with you to keep an eye on your speeding from now on. Your very own live police radar system.

Jim said...

Katie is our in-vehicle speedwatcher. Abbi is our seatbelt police. So, we can't forget to buckle up or speed without some strong consternations from the peanut gallery!